Love vs Lust aka Groupie vs Fan

It’s an age old debate. As long as there have been entertainers, there have been those that follow them. Back in the days of kings and round tables and all that stuff, you can be sure that there were those who just wanted to get in the jester’s pants and those that thought he was like, the best lute player ever. The difficulty is that it can be a very fine line, and people tend to assume that if you have boy bits, you’re a fan but if you have girlie bits you simply must be a groupie. Because after all, why else would you watch bands if it wasn’t to fulfil your lifelong quest to sleep with as many singers/drummers/guitarists/roadies/lighting technicians/that guy you thought was with the band but turned out to be just another groupie?

My friends and I happen to consider ourselves to be prime examples of the fan category. We have been huge supporters of the South African music scene for as long as most of us can remember. But because we are kinda quirky and impulsive about it, and have been known to hop on a plane at a moment’s notice to watch our favourite bands, there are those who label us groupies. I can laugh it off because I know the real reason I love the Springbok Nude Girls with all my heart is not that Arno is so very pretty (that’s just a perk man!), it’s because as a whole they create the most mind-blowingly awesome music I’ve ever heard in a life which just happens to revolve around listening to music. I also know that the reason I follow Wonderboom around the country is not because I want to get into Cito’s pants, as lovely a guy as he is, but because this is a band that never fails to pull out all the stops to entertain their crowd and make beautiful, fun music that is quintessentially South African. They make me proud to be a supporter of local music.
However, there are those amongst us who are not able to laugh it off so readily, and take huge offence at the groupie label, so I thought maybe it was time to draw that line, fine as it may be. So here are a few distinguishing factors:

You know you’re a groupie when:
• You have thrown any item of underwear on stage. A word of advice here, just as a sidebar: If you are going to throw underwear, at least make sure it’s the good stuff and not that once-white-now-grey bra you’ve had since puberty (assuming of course you have left puberty). Also, its just tacky to ask for your underwear back at the end of the show
• You always make sure you wear the good underwear to gigs, or maybe no underwear at all, just in case ‘he’ gets to see what’s on under that band tee
• You have turned to your friend at a gig and said “Just so we don’t fight later, lets be clear, I’m taking the singer, you can have the guitarist”
• You don’t necessarily own a single CD by your ‘favourite band’ but you have pictures of the band members all over your walls and you know the words to the songs because you are fixated on the singer’s mouth during their performances
• Your last 3 partners have left you because you shouted out the name of your favourite band member in the throes of passion
• If you look closely at the band members when they are speaking to you, you will notice they have the whole ‘deer in the headlights’ thing going on. Of course, you yourself will never notice that because you are too busy telling them how much you love them and how you have a beauty spot on your inner thigh if they’d like to see it
• You have had your boobs/stomach/ass or in fact any body part signed by the band, and not in an ironic, taking the piss kind of way, but in a ‘I seriously think this makes me look cool and sexy and oh my God he touched my boob he must love me’ kind of way
• You have been naked backstage/behind the marquee/in the band car and not because some freak accident destroyed your clothes and the band were altruistically helping you find a change of clothing
• You no longer feel you can spend time with ‘non-band’ people.

On the flip side of that, there are some ways to recognise a rabid fan:
• You simply must own every single CD ever created by your favourite band, even if it means sleeping with someone to get that rare release….kidding….we were dating, I would have slept with him anyway!
• Your last 3 partners left you because they were sick of going to gigs
• You know all the words to the songs because you just can’t stop listening to them and the latest CD is on repeat in your car
• You keep trying to convince everyone you know that really, no really guys, you have to listen to this band, it’ll change your life
• You feel weird if you go out and there isn’t a band playing. So you get the DJ to play songs by your favourite band. And he does it because deep inside you scare him a little
• Club owners sms you to ask you which bands you think they should book. And then get annoyed because you send them 15 messages worth of suggestions.
• You can recognise that the people in the band you love may not in fact be gorgeous but are just normal people who happen to be incredibly talented and that’s ok. Its also ok that they don’t want to sleep with you because you don’t want to sleep with them either
• The fact that someone is in a band would put you off dating them, rather than turn you on. After all, you’ve seen what those groupies get up to
• You have caught a plane to watch a gig. Or one of those long distance bus thingies.
• Your boss asks you which band you’re going to watch every time you take leave.
• You find yourself writing gig reviews and articles like this even though you don’t actually work for anyone who would publish them

So, I hope that clears things up just a little. The tricky thing about this, is that inevitably, some fans may end up with someone from the band they love, simply because they spend so much time in the same places– after all, people in bands are just people too. And some groupies may see the light, or you know, make it into their twenties, and turn into proper fans, just because they have absorbed some of these lessons through osmosis. Either way, as long as SA bands are getting people to come out and watch them, I say throw your bra, jump on a plane or do whatever it takes to support our talent. Just make sure you can still look at yourself in the mirror the next morning….obviously, once the tequila has worn off!